Archive for the ‘Sheila Heen’ Tag
I promised further insight from“Thanks for the Feedback” by Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone, so here is part 2
It would seem that there may be more to learn about receiving feedback than we first think (See post 8/15). At the end of their first chapter Heen and Stone ask this question ” Why is it that when we give feedback we often feel so right, yet when we receive feedback it so often feels wrong?” A more detailed look at the “triggers” enumerated in my last post will help. In order to give more objective attention to the feedback we receive, we must first be able to recognize the type of feedback we are receiving. The authors list three; Appreciation, Coaching and Evaluation. The first, appreciation, is about our relationship with the giver. An indication that the hard work one has done is valued or simply that they like to have you around! Coaching often takes the form of helpful, constructive suggestions about how something can be improved. Evaluation is simply a statement of performance against a known standard. All three types of feedback are extremely valuable in the right context, but when we expect or want one type and get another, our response can range from frustration to anger and hurt. When we just need someone to tell us they value us and they give us some handy tips on cooking steak, or indeed when we would value some help and all that is forthcoming is an “attaboy” we are left disappointed! Whereas it maybe difficult to avoid negative responses altogether, being conscious of the type of feedback we are seeking and recognizing the type we are in fact getting can at least help>
We have all been told many times that it is better to give than receive, but is that always true? John Gottman, a marriage researcher, has found that a person’s willingness to receive and accept influence (feedback) from their spouse is a key predictor of a healthy, stable marriage. I can recall receiving professional feedback that for some reason lived on in my mind for years. For parents it is frightening to realize that our children will learn how to respond to correction and coaching by watching our responses to the various forms of feedback we receive. All this would suggest that the art of receiving feedback might be more important that we think.
In their recent book “Thanks for the Feedback” Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone‘s research indicates that this is indeed true. At the recent the Global Leadership Summit Sheila taught on the subject. Her content was so compelling that I immediately purchased the book and I want to share some of the lessons I am learning as I read.
Whether it is graded assignments at school, “likes” on our facebook posts or simply a warm smile when enjoying a carefully prepared meal, feed back washes over us from all sides. Our reactions can range from joy to anger and there is much we can learn that will help us both understand our responses and handle them more constructively. Firstly feed back is received at the intersection of two of our most fundamental needs, our desire to learn and improve and our yearning to be accepted and loved as we are. Many of our negative reactions are caused by a series of what the authors call “triggers”. “Truth triggers” are set off by a sense that the content of the feedback is somehow without substance while “Relationship Triggers” are a consequence of the type of relationship we have with the person offering the feed back. “Identity Triggers” result in us doubting who we are and shaking all our insecurities regardless of the content of the message. Without exception when these triggers are activated we are disabled from any constructive conversation about the content of the feedback itself. However when we recognize their existence and are ready for them we have a much better chance of benefiting from what is said. If we do indeed want to learn and improve there is of course much more to come so watch this space for more nuggets from this excellent book.
From the Zebra Bag 